Things I've learned in two short but endless days.
Life without a computer is strange for me. I can do things that normally I would not even under torture. I thought I would get bored, and instead I did not stop for a moment.
The house is full of corners where you collect a huge amount of stuff that is useless. E 'enough to enter the frame of mind where to look usually does not see eye to realize that builds up an invisible disorder that may not even exist. And so, in a few hours, I re-ordered and wasted a lot of things.
metaphor for life.
Working at home, in order to be on the verge of leaving "a office "makes things appear solid, with a different flavor than the usual days. At times even enjoyable. gestures remain the same, but the meaning of the usual steps to change at all.
Arriving at a moment dreamed for years, imagining liberating and joyful, is very different from living it. Yesterday I went to the office staff, seized with a fit, to deliver that letter in my mind during years of hard work and unhappy, I imagined a thousand times, changing the lines, backgrounds and meanings, and imagining that every time I hand it would release a large weight. I always thought it would be a time to celebrate.
And instead I cried: the first, and later worse. For several hours I feel more uncertain and heavier than before. And not because I am convinced I made the wrong choice, but because I left the courtyard of the house, the bay to the open sea, and instead to experience the thrill of sailing (technically not yet begun) I'm doing in the fear .
And what is worse is that I continue to watch my daughter and feeling desperate doubly: first because it all started from her, which, fortunately (but sometimes not), my life has completely changed in a way that can mean only give birth, death and rebirth to new life, and secondly because it is the first time I have taken a decision really weighing the consequences on the basis of its existence.
new life means that everything you had before no longer exists: time, rhythm, thoughts, body, habits, lifestyle, hobbies, passions, skills, certainties and uncertainties.
I tried to imagine what it meant to have a different life, while finding themselves at once, leaving an office (in which I have been talking for more than my expectations, discussing another problem that even the resignation will cost me money too !), is very different.
I learned that there are things you must do alone, as the highest jump from the rock: and I do not know if it is right or not, if it is normal or not, it is common to all or not, but I know that for me means that the greatest happiness, yesterday, I felt that I had no one around. And while it builds up, the other hurts.
I also learned that this freedom, when I dreamed it, and so many images, is a freedom that makes me very afraid, now that I'm her mother. I am afraid for my daughter, for what will hit on you if my plans fail, and I am afraid for myself, for what will become if my ambitions do not find their way.
There is a lot of stuff in short. The die is cast, the door is open, the decisions were taken.
The ocean is bigger than I imagined, the wind is colder than I thought, and I have to get used a bit. At least a little. So from now on I will work three times because I have a big ship to ride alone. Maybe one day I will find a crew. In the meantime, wish me the wind, the sea, you know, you traitor.
Life without a computer is strange for me. I can do things that normally I would not even under torture. I thought I would get bored, and instead I did not stop for a moment.
The house is full of corners where you collect a huge amount of stuff that is useless. E 'enough to enter the frame of mind where to look usually does not see eye to realize that builds up an invisible disorder that may not even exist. And so, in a few hours, I re-ordered and wasted a lot of things.
metaphor for life.
Working at home, in order to be on the verge of leaving "a office "makes things appear solid, with a different flavor than the usual days. At times even enjoyable. gestures remain the same, but the meaning of the usual steps to change at all.
Arriving at a moment dreamed for years, imagining liberating and joyful, is very different from living it. Yesterday I went to the office staff, seized with a fit, to deliver that letter in my mind during years of hard work and unhappy, I imagined a thousand times, changing the lines, backgrounds and meanings, and imagining that every time I hand it would release a large weight. I always thought it would be a time to celebrate.
And instead I cried: the first, and later worse. For several hours I feel more uncertain and heavier than before. And not because I am convinced I made the wrong choice, but because I left the courtyard of the house, the bay to the open sea, and instead to experience the thrill of sailing (technically not yet begun) I'm doing in the fear .
And what is worse is that I continue to watch my daughter and feeling desperate doubly: first because it all started from her, which, fortunately (but sometimes not), my life has completely changed in a way that can mean only give birth, death and rebirth to new life, and secondly because it is the first time I have taken a decision really weighing the consequences on the basis of its existence.
new life means that everything you had before no longer exists: time, rhythm, thoughts, body, habits, lifestyle, hobbies, passions, skills, certainties and uncertainties.
I tried to imagine what it meant to have a different life, while finding themselves at once, leaving an office (in which I have been talking for more than my expectations, discussing another problem that even the resignation will cost me money too !), is very different.
I learned that there are things you must do alone, as the highest jump from the rock: and I do not know if it is right or not, if it is normal or not, it is common to all or not, but I know that for me means that the greatest happiness, yesterday, I felt that I had no one around. And while it builds up, the other hurts.
I also learned that this freedom, when I dreamed it, and so many images, is a freedom that makes me very afraid, now that I'm her mother. I am afraid for my daughter, for what will hit on you if my plans fail, and I am afraid for myself, for what will become if my ambitions do not find their way.
There is a lot of stuff in short. The die is cast, the door is open, the decisions were taken.
The ocean is bigger than I imagined, the wind is colder than I thought, and I have to get used a bit. At least a little. So from now on I will work three times because I have a big ship to ride alone. Maybe one day I will find a crew. In the meantime, wish me the wind, the sea, you know, you traitor.
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